a letter about the last 6 months

So I haven't written for quite a while. I had a post I meant to publish around Christmastime, but things changed for me 6 months ago yesterday, December 19, 2017. As many who read this will know, I was in a car accident with my dear friend and roommate, Caylee Blaney. In this crash, she passed away, and I came out with just a black eye and some bruises. No broken bones, no serious injuries, nothing.

In the first few months I would say "Oh, I'm doing fine! I wasn't hurt, everything is ok. Or it will be, because of my beliefs. I know it will all be ok." This is true, but also untrue. I wasn't totally ok. To be honest, there are days where I am not ok now. There are days where I cry myself to sleep, days where memories of that day overwhelm me and I remember things I don't want to. Days where I can't remember the things I want to, the happy memories, the times I got to spend with Caylee. There are some hard, hard days. And honestly, even though physically I came out fine, emotionally I was injured. I felt so many emotions. I felt angry, hurt, sad, upset, frustrated, and guilty.

With all these feelings brewing inside me, I still pushed forward and went back to school. I did my semester of school. I travelled. I started dating a boy, we got engaged, and will be married in a month. I've spend wonderful time with family and friends, laughed, had fun. I have been blissfully happy, experienced incredible joy and blessings, and have seen miracles in my own life and in the lives of those around me.

But all of this doesn't mean it has been easy. I miss my friend. I miss talking to her every day about life, I miss asking her for advice, I miss chatting with her about boys and school and life. And yes, I have friends and loved ones that I can talk to about all this. But it isn't ever the same as talking to Caylee. No one can replace a friend like her. She was kind, gracious, loving, caring, and she always knew what to do and what to say to help me when I needed it. She was selfless, willing to help anyone, anytime.

Sometimes when I've been so upset, or sad, or hurt, I've been almost upset with myself because I truly believe that I will see her again, that this isn't the end. If I believe this, why am I sad? Why am I upset? I should be totally ok. And some days I was. And some days, I wasn't. Not because I didn't believe, but because I love Caylee and I miss her. You know what? Being sad about that is ok.

What I've learned through this experience is that it is ok, and important to grieve. Its ok to be upset. Its ok to be sad. Its ok to miss my friend. It is also ok to be happy. Its ok to feel joy, to move forward in life, and to progress. All Caylee would want (and what I believe she wants) is for me to be happy and live the best life I can live. Does this mean I won't miss her? No. Does this mean there won't be hard days? No. There will. And thats ok.

I am excited to experience all that life has to offer me in the future. And even though there will be hard days, and there will be good days, I want to experience it all. I want to learn and grow and become better. I want to become someone like Caylee. Someone who is kind, and generous, loving, caring, selfless. Someone who takes care of those around her. Someone who is loved by all who knew her. I am grateful I was lucky enough to be close to Caylee, to learn from her example.

This post is mostly for me. Some things I find I need to let out through writing. However, if you read this, I hope there is something in here for you. Enjoy life. And don't be upset with yourself if you have a bad day. Just make the next day a good day.